Grief and Transactional Memory, Courtesy of The Tipping Point

I find that I read things with new eyes now that my dad is gone. A book that I am reading again for new information is Malcolm Gladwell's The Tipping Point. This book is not about grief, but it does touch on grief felt in divorces or at the loss of a family member in its fifth chapter on the power of context. In it, Gladwell explores the term "transactive memory". He notes that much of what we remember isn't actual numbers or specific details, but where to find that information when we need it (such as email addresses in our contact list at work, or our atlas for the capital of Puerto Rico). This information isn't just stored in books and computers, it is also stored in people.

Transactive memory is part of what intimacy means. In fact, Wegner argues, it is the loss of the kind of joint intimacy that helps to make divorce so painful. "Divorced people who suffer depression and complain of cognitive dysfunction may be expressing the loss of their external memory systems," he writes. "They once were able to discuss their experiences to reach a shared understanding...They could once count on access to a wide range of storage in their partner, and this, too, is gone...The loss of transactive memory feels like losing a part of one's own mind."

In a family, this process of memory sharing is more pronounced.

My dad was my go-to guy when it came to sports facts. I remember talking to him about UCLA's quarterback Cade McNown, and my father pulling out a random fact about former UCLA QB Troy Aikman that completely set my mind at ease. That is one thing I now find myself seeking out in others.

It's not just sports facts though, it is business acumen, stock trading, financial planning, communication tactics, and a whole host of other things that I run into every single day.

Transactive memory explains the loss perfectly.