Metrolink Blogging: The Nature of Suffering

I'm sitting on the Metrolink, on my way to LA, reading The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. So much could be said and written about many different ideas expressed in this book. I'm going to focus on one small point related to suffering after the death of a loved one.

The book's author interviews the DL and recounts his exact words as well as expands on the opinions the DL expresses. In a chapter on suffering, the author asks the Dalai Lama how he dealt with the death of his brother. The DL recounts his feelings of sadness and guilt for not having been there, feelings I can definitely understand. He goes on to say that after a few weeks of suffering through his grief, he learned to focus he thoughts on his brother's wishes, which would certainly not have been for the DL to feel sadness and regret. The DL resolved to remember his brother by honoring his wish for the DL to carry out his (the brother's) wishes. This really spoke to me. I think I turned a huge corner in my grief when I learned to think of how upset my dad would've been about my grief for him. I sat and wrote out what he would've wanted for my life -- the big things like a life partner and a healthy lifestyle -- and I go back to that when I miss him and his counsel.

The DL went on to say folks shouldn't try to blame anyone, others, the dead, or themselves, for how they feel in their grief. That was harder for me to accept, because it meant I had to forgive people who had said unintentionally cruel things in the wake of my dad's death. It is not their fault they hurt me with their thoughtless comments, and it is important for my emotional health that I get to a place where I can feel compassion for them again. In some respects I have done this on an aggregate basis, but it probably makes a lot of sense to focus on forgiving specific people for specific remarks. My dad certainly wouldn't want me to hold onto it anymore.


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