I'm sitting on the Metrolink, on my way to LA, reading The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. So much could be said and written about many different ideas expressed in this book. I'm going to focus on one small point related to suffering after the death of a loved one.
The book's author interviews the DL and recounts his exact words as well as expands on the opinions the DL expresses. In a chapter on suffering, the author asks the Dalai Lama how he dealt with the death of his brother. The DL recounts his feelings of sadness and guilt for not having been there, feelings I can definitely understand. He goes on to say that after a few weeks of suffering through his grief, he learned to focus he thoughts on his brother's wishes, which would certainly not have been for the DL to feel sadness and regret. The DL resolved to remember his brother by honoring his wish for the DL to carry out his (the brother's) wishes. This really spoke to me. I think I turned a huge corner in my grief when I learned to think of how upset my dad would've been about my grief for him. I sat and wrote out what he would've wanted for my life -- the big things like a life partner and a healthy lifestyle -- and I go back to that when I miss him and his counsel.
The DL went on to say folks shouldn't try to blame anyone, others, the dead, or themselves, for how they feel in their grief. That was harder for me to accept, because it meant I had to forgive people who had said unintentionally cruel things in the wake of my dad's death. It is not their fault they hurt me with their thoughtless comments, and it is important for my emotional health that I get to a place where I can feel compassion for them again. In some respects I have done this on an aggregate basis, but it probably makes a lot of sense to focus on forgiving specific people for specific remarks. My dad certainly wouldn't want me to hold onto it anymore.
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Friday, December 26, 2008
Melatonin Results
I've been taking melatonin this week to try to "stay asleep", which is what my version of insomnia chiefly prevents. So far, I've just had more nightmares than usual. When I purchased the melatonin, this was mentioned as a side effect. I scoffed at it because I have nightmares frequently, probably about two times a week.It was no joke though. I've had nightmares all week, the first one being so freaky that even when I woke up it took several minutes to believe I was awake and that the dream wasn't in fact real.
I did a little digging on the Internet to uncover just how frequently this is listed as a side effect. This is what I found:
1. Google Answers: Long term side effects unknown, short term seem to be headaches, sleepy fog all day, and other various things that all suggest insomnia.
2. Mayo Clinic: Minimally effective for insomnia, better for jet lag.
3. Herbal Supplement Guide: Side effects can include headaches, nausea, nightmares, and dizziness.
4. Medicine Net seems to suggest I should give it at least another night as it is usually not effective for the first few days.
Honestly, it worked like a dream the first night I took it, when I took it right before bed. Otherwise, it doesn't seem to do anything for me. I think it is not the right solution for me. Perhaps it worked the first night because I had jet lag from the flight out to Cali from the east coast. To give it a full trial, I will take it again tonight and consider taking it through until I'm back on east coast time. At least that will give it a full week trial and test it on both jet lag and insomnia. If it works for jet lag, why not take it for that?!
Photo taken by flickr user size8jeans.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
My 2008 Lessons Learned Suck
What I'm taking away from this year will probably be refined and revisited many times, not just in 2009, but for years to come. I wish these could be more positive, but it is amazing how much easier it has been for me to move through life knowing the following.
1. Friendship doesn't mean drama. I wish I'd learned this in 2003, but better now than later. I lost some good friends this year, and I miss them. But the truth is, they brought the drama. All the time. Needlessly. Drama is stressful. I now seek out friends who go with the ebb and flow of life. Not those who decide they don't like someone based on one meeting and three throwaway comments. Or people that diss on my good friends and can't keep it to themselves.
2. Relationships don't have to mean drama. The line between relationship conversation and drama is thin, thin, thin, but based on a boy I knew this year, I think I have a better idea where that line should be. Relationships aren't easy, and certainly there is work involved. But when every time you see someone, they pick fights and cause problems, that's not putting in the work. That's a drama queen. And I'm no longer dating those sorts of men.
3. Overly defensive people suck. Yup, I'm thinking of a few friends in particular. I'm not perfect, I get defensive. But I certainly try to notice when I am being that way. Some of the best feedback I've received in my life has come when I've dropped the defensive bit. Unfortunately, some of the stupidest, most immature feedback I've received this year has come from people who are being overly defensive. It gets really old, and inspires me to change as well as to reconsider friendships.
4. People don't change. I don't mean this in some cheesy failed love affair way. Unless there is a major life event, most people shift slightly but don't make radical changes. Sadly that means there are a lot of immature people out there.
5. Always put yourself first. This could mean so many things. It has come to my attention that my darkest hour so far in life, my father's death, was a period that I got through solely on my own. Friends pushed me to talk to them more, or to a therapist, and just could not take the hint that they were doing the opposite of helping me. Others disappeared. Others pushed their own (often religious) agenda. I have never felt more alone. The end of 2008 saw me putting this idea of me first into practice. I still care about my friends and am happy to be there, but there is a limit. I wouldn't classify myself as a pushover, but I am limiting what I give now.
6. Liberal guilt is bullsh*t. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, I'm not saying I don't feel it every now and again. But the truth is, it doesn't help. I try now to take what I can from it, and to remember that just because I feel guilty, it doesn't mean I did something wrong.
7. Family is joy. There, I said it. My mom, brothers and sisters, their kids, spouses, boyfriends and girlfriends make my life a happier thing.
8. Everything is better with Obama as President.
9. Even with everything being perfect, I still can't sleep. I have chronic insomnia. Not the sort where I can't fall asleep. No no no, the sort where I wake up after five hours of sleep. This is not healthy, and contributes to all sorts of manifestations of bad health, from migraines to attention issues. Because most insomniacs can't fall asleep, there really isn't a lot of research put in to how to stay asleep. I'm doing that research alone, and planning to report on it on my blog in 2009.
1. Friendship doesn't mean drama. I wish I'd learned this in 2003, but better now than later. I lost some good friends this year, and I miss them. But the truth is, they brought the drama. All the time. Needlessly. Drama is stressful. I now seek out friends who go with the ebb and flow of life. Not those who decide they don't like someone based on one meeting and three throwaway comments. Or people that diss on my good friends and can't keep it to themselves.
2. Relationships don't have to mean drama. The line between relationship conversation and drama is thin, thin, thin, but based on a boy I knew this year, I think I have a better idea where that line should be. Relationships aren't easy, and certainly there is work involved. But when every time you see someone, they pick fights and cause problems, that's not putting in the work. That's a drama queen. And I'm no longer dating those sorts of men.
3. Overly defensive people suck. Yup, I'm thinking of a few friends in particular. I'm not perfect, I get defensive. But I certainly try to notice when I am being that way. Some of the best feedback I've received in my life has come when I've dropped the defensive bit. Unfortunately, some of the stupidest, most immature feedback I've received this year has come from people who are being overly defensive. It gets really old, and inspires me to change as well as to reconsider friendships.
4. People don't change. I don't mean this in some cheesy failed love affair way. Unless there is a major life event, most people shift slightly but don't make radical changes. Sadly that means there are a lot of immature people out there.
5. Always put yourself first. This could mean so many things. It has come to my attention that my darkest hour so far in life, my father's death, was a period that I got through solely on my own. Friends pushed me to talk to them more, or to a therapist, and just could not take the hint that they were doing the opposite of helping me. Others disappeared. Others pushed their own (often religious) agenda. I have never felt more alone. The end of 2008 saw me putting this idea of me first into practice. I still care about my friends and am happy to be there, but there is a limit. I wouldn't classify myself as a pushover, but I am limiting what I give now.
6. Liberal guilt is bullsh*t. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, I'm not saying I don't feel it every now and again. But the truth is, it doesn't help. I try now to take what I can from it, and to remember that just because I feel guilty, it doesn't mean I did something wrong.
7. Family is joy. There, I said it. My mom, brothers and sisters, their kids, spouses, boyfriends and girlfriends make my life a happier thing.
8. Everything is better with Obama as President.
9. Even with everything being perfect, I still can't sleep. I have chronic insomnia. Not the sort where I can't fall asleep. No no no, the sort where I wake up after five hours of sleep. This is not healthy, and contributes to all sorts of manifestations of bad health, from migraines to attention issues. Because most insomniacs can't fall asleep, there really isn't a lot of research put in to how to stay asleep. I'm doing that research alone, and planning to report on it on my blog in 2009.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
December Music Review
UCLA absolutely pulverized Wyoming yesterday, breaking the record for most points scored under Coach Ben Howland by 17! Instead of analyzing a game that is obviously somewhat of an outlier (though it is useful in preparing UCLA for uptempo teams), I decided to write a post about all the music I purchased in December. Most of it is older music that just recently piqued my interest.1. Chasing Cars single -- Snow Patrol. Why in the world did I buy this song? After about 1.5 listens, I remembered why I didn't buy it when it initially came out -- the song is lyrically weak, and musically unremarkable. Waste of 99 cents plus the new iTunes tax.
2. Several songs by Memphis. I fell in love with I Dreamt We Fell Apart over the Thanksgiving vacation. On the strength of that single, I went ahead and downloaded Incredibly Drunk on Whiskey, Into the Wild, In the Cinema Alone, The Night Watchman, and Time Away. The whiskey song is a playful song written about a drunken high school era night. The rest are pensive, melancholic songs. The Night Watchman pulls a Stars and stops for a good ten seconds before starting a completely different song after a long period of silence. All in all, I have become a fan of this band, but not to the point where I would purchase an entire album.
3. Get Up and Please, Please, Please by James Brown. Get Up is a classic James Brown, and the other I have not been able to get through once yet. It was on my iTunes wish list, probably by mistake.
4. Suspension by Mae. I really like this song, but it is cheesy. It starts off really weak, the first chorus just doesn't flow as it should. From there, the song greatly improves and becomes a perfect emo pop anthem, with a twist -- it's a happy love song.
5. Let Me In and No, Not Now by Hot Hot Heat. These two songs are from two different albums, and very different from the other songs I own off of the Make Up the Breakdown album -- specifically Bandages and Naked in the City. This is odd because NNN is from that same album. Hot Hot Heat hasn't been entirely consistent -- an optimist would say their sound is evolving, a pessimist that they are trying to create a sound that sells. I haven't figured out which it is yet, but for a band with several albums, I only like a limited few songs.
6. Cause=Time by Broken Social Scene. I have listened to this song three times since purchasing it a week ago. I like the lyrics, but I just don't feel this song. It almost sounds like a Weezer song rejected from the Make Believe album. Except the lyrics are too clever for that. I don't know what to do with this song.
7. Wordless Chorus by My Morning Jacket. This song is so chill, and very unlike most of MMJ's other work. I haven't figured out the perfect time to listen to this song yet, it feels like a lazy morning song, but it is so relaxed it might be better for a pre-nap Sunday afternoon.
To be continued...
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Blackberry Coveroo
I admit that my Blackberry addiction is a problem, but only when I'm not on vacation. I have over 300 unread messages on that sucker as of right now, and I'm not planning to go through them until I return to DC in a few days. Crackberry.com has a contest where folks can win a Coveroo case for their Blackberries. Never one to bother with contests or raffles, I just impulsively bought a BB Curve back cover featuring UCLA's mascot, Joe Bruin, dunking a basketball. Any other big Blackberry losers might want to check out coveroo.com. Here is the case I will have in a few days.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Cali Blogging: Thoughts on UCLA Basketball
It's been a strange year so far in UCLA basketball. It's always hard to watch in the beginning of the year when the team looks unrefined, and trust that Coach Ben Howland knows what he is doing and will have the team in considerably better shape in 2 months.
Alfred Aboya is playing center. I like Aboya, and he's improved about 500% since he first came on the scene. He reminds me a bit of Lorenzo Mata, but with half the heart. Which is not to say that Aboya doesn't care, and more to say that Mata had a ton of heart. But it is also because at times Mata would gleam with promise, but in the tough games late in the tournament, unfortunately Mata was just never enough. He tried so hard, but he just wasn't big enough. He couldn't always get key offensive and defensive boards. And that is the problem with Aboya -- he's thicker than Mata, but shorter. I can see already that unless J'Mison "BoBo" Morgan gets it together soon, it's going to be a glaring problem down the road.
Morgan played 13 minutes in the UCLA game against LMU that I unfortunately missed. He has looked really rough every other time I've seen him play. Then again, Kevin Love looked lumbering and slow in some games in February of last season, and he still managed to get it together and rock the tournament. I am confident Howland can work some of the same magic on Bobo. The thing is, he's good, but Kevin Love is a once in a lifetime talent and I don't have any illusions that Morgan will become the next Love. I just want him to get to a point where we can count on him in the big games. Otherwise, we're going to be in trouble.
GO Bruins!
Alfred Aboya is playing center. I like Aboya, and he's improved about 500% since he first came on the scene. He reminds me a bit of Lorenzo Mata, but with half the heart. Which is not to say that Aboya doesn't care, and more to say that Mata had a ton of heart. But it is also because at times Mata would gleam with promise, but in the tough games late in the tournament, unfortunately Mata was just never enough. He tried so hard, but he just wasn't big enough. He couldn't always get key offensive and defensive boards. And that is the problem with Aboya -- he's thicker than Mata, but shorter. I can see already that unless J'Mison "BoBo" Morgan gets it together soon, it's going to be a glaring problem down the road.
Morgan played 13 minutes in the UCLA game against LMU that I unfortunately missed. He has looked really rough every other time I've seen him play. Then again, Kevin Love looked lumbering and slow in some games in February of last season, and he still managed to get it together and rock the tournament. I am confident Howland can work some of the same magic on Bobo. The thing is, he's good, but Kevin Love is a once in a lifetime talent and I don't have any illusions that Morgan will become the next Love. I just want him to get to a point where we can count on him in the big games. Otherwise, we're going to be in trouble.
GO Bruins!
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