Grieving for the Death of a Parent and Friend

My dad died 13 months ago. I am still dealing with it, and one thing that has really helped me is reading up on the specific process of grief that goes along with the death of a parent.

There is a surprising amount of literature about this (five whole books) given that my dad did not die in my childhood. For all intents and purposes, I was an adult when he died (I was 30). Yet, because I do not have a family of my own, I feel as though he died young.

Another thing that has made it hard is our family's lack of religion. There is no comfort of a ritual after death, other than the funeral. I have thus tried to make a ritual for tough days like his birthday and father's day. I eat his favorite cake or meal and focus on the good times.

I am currently reading the book Death of a Parent by Debra Umberson. This book is unique in that it discusses more than just the grieving process. It talks about the transition to a new identity after the death. I am only 30 pages in, but about to learn the different ways the gender of the deceased and the adult child influences the grief after the death.

One thing that has already been said is that for the death of a father, because the relationship was more action oriented (such as my dad and I watching sports games) as opposed to emotionally based, many deal with the death by drinking.

I don't know what I think about this. I don't think that my drinking has increased since the death, in fact I actually have tried to drink less because drinking while sad is usually a recipe for trouble. But my sports watching has definitely gone up, while it was pretty high to begin with... My guess is the author uses drinking as a stand in for action, assuming most people will drink more. While I think the theory of action-related distractions is a good one, I find the supposition that grieving adult children are out on benders to be a strange one. However, overall, I have high hopes for this book and will continue to discuss what I learn.