Airport Blogging: Two Years...and Jrue

I'm trapped at DFW airport until my airplane is okay to fly, which is one million times better than being in a plane crash, but still annoying.

Returning from California where I was to commemorate the second anniversary of my father's death. It's funny how you can go from being unbearably sad one year to dealing with the sadness productively the next. One of my death of a parent books said two to five years was the initial grief period. I think I am through that. You never really get over it, but you get used to the new normal without your loved one.

This anniversary in particular I started thinking about the appropriate way to remember him on this day. I wanted to go to a baseball game, but my mom vetoed. I guess I just wanted to do something that he and I used to enjoy doing together. Not sure that baseball was it past the Bash Brothers of the late 80's/early 90's.

On his birthday, I eat a piece of his favorite cake, and that's appropriate to celebrate his life. It's hard to figure out what is a positive way to remember someone you've loved and lost, especially on the anniversary of his death. Maybe wearing all black and just remembering is the right thing.

One thing I wish he was here for would be to discuss the Jrue Holiday situation. Jrue was a star recruit last season at UCLA, but he never lived up to the hype. He entered the draft but didn't hire an agent, at first. He had a press conference like he was the brightest star in all of Westwood and sort of acted like a jerk. Then, the fans waited, though we all knew he would leave. So last week he calls a press conference to announce he's hired an agent and is going in the draft. Except he hadn't even told Coach Howland ahead of time. In one sense its like a bad relationship -- if he doesn't want to be at UCLA, just go. On the other hand, he acted like a total ego maniac. Are you serious Jrue? Best of luck, and glad your negative energy and selfish attitude are gone. I saw the promise of something better with him, but I can also see him never being all that. Sad sad sad. How do you turn fans into haters? This is one way.

Go BRUINS!

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Couch Blogging: Neighborhood Pick Up Line of the Day

Vanilla Ice Junior: You look tired.
Bruinmccon: Migraine.

Seriously weak. He ran across the street after I dropped the brush off of the day.

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Webb Trainwrecks His Appearance on Meet The Press

He's not a train wreck, but he looked like one next to RNC chair Michael Steele. Granted, Steele looked very well rehearsed and ready for hard questions, and for turning a tough question into an answer about something else. He hit it out of the park, though I still don't agree with any of his policy choices. But DNC Chair (and VA Governor) Tim Kaine? Ugh.

From Crooks and Liars:

And curses to any and all of the Democratic Party insiders who thought that the best way for Tim Kaine to serve his party was as the Chairman of the DNC. What a pathetically milquetoast weasel. Here we sit, with perfect potential for moral high ground, the likes of which hasn't been seen since WWII, and what we get is this weak tea, sitting-on-his-hands shadow of a Democrat simpering that isn't a good thing we all agree that we don't do torture? Dagnabit, Democrats. How hard is it to even getting half-way decent talking head? Way to represent, Kaine.

For me, the worst was when Steele said he and Kaine agreed on many issues, and made it a point to note Kaine is pro-life. There were too many points to refute each individually, but Kaine seemed caught in a Steele's trap -- his only response could've been that the Democrats are the inclusive party, but after Steele had already made that his mantra in the debate about the Republican Party, had Kaine said it, would've sounded more like "me too."

Stages of Insomnia

When you initially start to suffer from insomnia, you try the first line of cures: Tylenol PM, hot tea or milk, over-the-counter sleeping pills, and melatonin. Maybe you try one at a time, maybe you do them all, but if things don't get better, those "cures" start to seem useless.

I'm to the point where hypnosis starts to sound like a possible solution. Probably that's nearly four and a half years of insomnia talking. Tonight I went down the road of reducing light for the hour before bed. I went to the local Target and spent well over an hour in the lamp section.

I may be a child of the 80's, but they don't sell halogen lamps anymore? I wanted a dimmer switch that apparently no longer exists. I started to feel ancient when I asked the sales people where it was. So these days, apparently people use "3 way" lights. Nice name, I really have to say. They're just three different light levels, and use a Type A (again, are these names the best they could come up with...) light bulb. That took about 15 minutes to find the lowest 3 way bulb wattage, and then one with soft white light instead of hard core bright light. I then returned to the lamp post and lamp shade section and spent probably a good 45-50 minutes mixing and matching options until I found two that didn't look totally cheap.

I'm sitting in my condo with all the lights off, and my two new Target lamps at their lowest, 30 watt level. I'm not really feeling as sleepy as I hoped, but I wonder if some of these tips are for people who have a hard time falling asleep. At this point though, I think it makes sense to pretty much try everything.

I've been taking melatonin on and off. It helps me sleep, but I have intense nightmares, a common side effect. I also wake up feeling extremely groggy. Insomnia blog had some additional information on why that might be:

As melatonin levels in the blood rise, you begin to feel less alert and sleep becomes more inviting. Melatonin levels stay elevated for about 12 hours, falling back to low daytime levels by about 9 a.m.

Twelve hours? The blog goes on to say that melatonin supplements provide several times the amount of melatonin produced in the body. In effect then, depending on when you take it, grogginess could be a significant factor if your triple shot of melatonin hasn't cleared your body by the time you need to wake up.

My next step is to buy a new bed. I think this is the final stage of insomnia before you take a second job during the time you can't sleep and give up.

Train Station Blogging: Go Safely

I am waiting for my train back home tonight after an unexpected death in the family. My 22 year old nephew, young, kind, funny, and finally happy with his life was killed in a car accident on Sunday.

His car didn't have air bags, and instead of walking away with scratches from the accident, he is gone.

As I attended his funeral and burial, I tried to focus on acceptance and I avoided questioning and bemoaning the unfairness of the situation. I'm certainly not a psychologist, but those are the things that took me some time to get over when it came to grieving for my dad. They seemed like appropriate goals for the initial process of saying goodbye.

The next few weeks will determine whether the following hypothesis is true, but I think I'm entering the shock gap. This is the time after the funeral and your initial grieving where you return home, get back into your routines, and the familiarity hides the loss. Adam wasn't part of my daily life. Every few weeks I would see he had updated his Facebook status or put up new pictures, and I would check on him. I think there may be a period of a few weeks where I forget the loss. Then, out of the blue, something will remind me, and the grief will come back.

The loss of someone so young, with a full life ahead of him, is hard. I was reflecting on the situation yesterday and realized I expected to be dancing the Irish jig at his wedding in a few years. The period of shock in losing someone so young could last for longer than I anticipate.

Airbags save lives.



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Metrolink Blogging: The Nature of Suffering

I'm sitting on the Metrolink, on my way to LA, reading The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. So much could be said and written about many different ideas expressed in this book. I'm going to focus on one small point related to suffering after the death of a loved one.

The book's author interviews the DL and recounts his exact words as well as expands on the opinions the DL expresses. In a chapter on suffering, the author asks the Dalai Lama how he dealt with the death of his brother. The DL recounts his feelings of sadness and guilt for not having been there, feelings I can definitely understand. He goes on to say that after a few weeks of suffering through his grief, he learned to focus he thoughts on his brother's wishes, which would certainly not have been for the DL to feel sadness and regret. The DL resolved to remember his brother by honoring his wish for the DL to carry out his (the brother's) wishes. This really spoke to me. I think I turned a huge corner in my grief when I learned to think of how upset my dad would've been about my grief for him. I sat and wrote out what he would've wanted for my life -- the big things like a life partner and a healthy lifestyle -- and I go back to that when I miss him and his counsel.

The DL went on to say folks shouldn't try to blame anyone, others, the dead, or themselves, for how they fee in their griefl. That was harder for me to accept, because it meant I had to forgive people who had said unintentionally cruel things in the wake of my dad's death. It is not their fault they hurt me with their thoughtless comments, and it is important for my emotional health that I get to a place where I can feel compassion for them again. In some respects I have done this on an aggregate basis, but it probably makes a lot of sense to focus on forgiving specific people for specific remarks. My dad certainly wouldn't want me to hold onto it anymore.


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Melatonin Results

I've been taking melatonin this week to try to "stay asleep", which is what my version of insomnia chiefly prevents. So far, I've just had more nightmares than usual. When I purchased the melatonin, this was mentioned as a side effect. I scoffed at it because I have nightmares frequently, probably about two times a week.

It was no joke though. I've had nightmares all week, the first one being so freaky that even when I woke up it took several minutes to believe I was awake and that the dream wasn't in fact real.

I did a little digging on the Internet to uncover just how frequently this is listed as a side effect. This is what I found:

1. Google Answers: Long term side effects unknown, short term seem to be headaches, sleepy fog all day, and other various things that all suggest insomnia.

2. Mayo Clinic: Minimally effective for insomnia, better for jet lag.

3. Herbal Supplement Guide: Side effects can include headaches, nausea, nightmares, and dizziness.

4. Medicine Net seems to suggest I should give it at least another night as it is usually not effective for the first few days.

Honestly, it worked like a dream the first night I took it, when I took it right before bed. Otherwise, it doesn't seem to do anything for me. I think it is not the right solution for me. Perhaps it worked the first night because I had jet lag from the flight out to Cali from the east coast. To give it a full trial, I will take it again tonight and consider taking it through until I'm back on east coast time. At least that will give it a full week trial and test it on both jet lag and insomnia. If it works for jet lag, why not take it for that?!

Photo taken by flickr user size8jeans.

My 2008 Lessons Learned Suck

What I'm taking away from this year will probably be refined and revisited many times, not just in 2009, but for years to come. I wish these could be more positive, but it is amazing how much easier it has been for me to move through life knowing the following.

1. Friendship doesn't mean drama. I wish I'd learned this in 2003, but better now than later. I lost some good friends this year, and I miss them. But the truth is, they brought the drama. All the time. Needlessly. Drama is stressful. I now seek out friends who go with the ebb and flow of life. Not those who decide they don't like someone based on one meeting and three throwaway comments. Or people that diss on my good friends and can't keep it to themselves.

2. Relationships don't have to mean drama. The line between relationship conversation and drama is thin, thin, thin, but based on a boy I knew this year, I think I have a better idea where that line should be. Relationships aren't easy, and certainly there is work involved. But when every time you see someone, they pick fights and cause problems, that's not putting in the work. That's a drama queen. And I'm no longer dating those sorts of men.

3. Overly defensive people suck. Yup, I'm thinking of a few friends in particular. I'm not perfect, I get defensive. But I certainly try to notice when I am being that way. Some of the best feedback I've received in my life has come when I've dropped the defensive bit. Unfortunately, some of the stupidest, most immature feedback I've received this year has come from people who are being overly defensive. It gets really old, and inspires me to change as well as to reconsider friendships.

4. People don't change. I don't mean this in some cheesy failed love affair way. Unless there is a major life event, most people shift slightly but don't make radical changes. Sadly that means there are a lot of immature people out there.

5. Always put yourself first. This could mean so many things. It has come to my attention that my darkest hour so far in life, my father's death, was a period that I got through solely on my own. Friends pushed me to talk to them more, or to a therapist, and just could not take the hint that they were doing the opposite of helping me. Others disappeared. Others pushed their own (often religious) agenda. I have never felt more alone. The end of 2008 saw me putting this idea of me first into practice. I still care about my friends and am happy to be there, but there is a limit. I wouldn't classify myself as a pushover, but I am limiting what I give now.

6. Liberal guilt is bullsh*t. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, I'm not saying I don't feel it every now and again. But the truth is, it doesn't help. I try now to take what I can from it, and to remember that just because I feel guilty, it doesn't mean I did something wrong.

7. Family is joy. There, I said it. My mom, brothers and sisters, their kids, spouses, boyfriends and girlfriends make my life a happier thing.

8. Everything is better with Obama as President.

9. Even with everything being perfect, I still can't sleep. I have chronic insomnia. Not the sort where I can't fall asleep. No no no, the sort where I wake up after five hours of sleep. This is not healthy, and contributes to all sorts of manifestations of bad health, from migraines to attention issues. Because most insomniacs can't fall asleep, there really isn't a lot of research put in to how to stay asleep. I'm doing that research alone, and planning to report on it on my blog in 2009.

December Music Review

UCLA absolutely pulverized Wyoming yesterday, breaking the record for most points scored under Coach Ben Howland by 17! Instead of analyzing a game that is obviously somewhat of an outlier (though it is useful in preparing UCLA for uptempo teams), I decided to write a post about all the music I purchased in December. Most of it is older music that just recently piqued my interest.

1. Chasing Cars single -- Snow Patrol. Why in the world did I buy this song? After about 1.5 listens, I remembered why I didn't buy it when it initially came out -- the song is lyrically weak, and musically unremarkable. Waste of 99 cents plus the new iTunes tax.

2. Several songs by Memphis. I fell in love with I Dreamt We Fell Apart over the Thanksgiving vacation. On the strength of that single, I went ahead and downloaded Incredibly Drunk on Whiskey, Into the Wild, In the Cinema Alone, The Night Watchman, and Time Away. The whiskey song is a playful song written about a drunken high school era night. The rest are pensive, melancholic songs. The Night Watchman pulls a Stars and stops for a good ten seconds before starting a completely different song after a long period of silence. All in all, I have become a fan of this band, but not to the point where I would purchase an entire album.

3. Get Up and Please, Please, Please by James Brown. Get Up is a classic James Brown, and the other I have not been able to get through once yet. It was on my iTunes wish list, probably by mistake.

4. Suspension by Mae. I really like this song, but it is cheesy. It starts off really weak, the first chorus just doesn't flow as it should. From there, the song greatly improves and becomes a perfect emo pop anthem, with a twist -- it's a happy love song.

5. Let Me In and No, Not Now by Hot Hot Heat. These two songs are from two different albums, and very different from the other songs I own off of the Make Up the Breakdown album -- specifically Bandages and Naked in the City. This is odd because NNN is from that same album. Hot Hot Heat hasn't been entirely consistent -- an optimist would say their sound is evolving, a pessimist that they are trying to create a sound that sells. I haven't figured out which it is yet, but for a band with several albums, I only like a limited few songs.

6. Cause=Time by Broken Social Scene. I have listened to this song three times since purchasing it a week ago. I like the lyrics, but I just don't feel this song. It almost sounds like a Weezer song rejected from the Make Believe album. Except the lyrics are too clever for that. I don't know what to do with this song.

7. Wordless Chorus by My Morning Jacket. This song is so chill, and very unlike most of MMJ's other work. I haven't figured out the perfect time to listen to this song yet, it feels like a lazy morning song, but it is so relaxed it might be better for a pre-nap Sunday afternoon.

To be continued...

Blackberry Coveroo

I admit that my Blackberry addiction is a problem, but only when I'm not on vacation. I have over 300 unread messages on that sucker as of right now, and I'm not planning to go through them until I return to DC in a few days. Crackberry.com has a contest where folks can win a Coveroo case for their Blackberries. Never one to bother with contests or raffles, I just impulsively bought a BB Curve back cover featuring UCLA's mascot, Joe Bruin, dunking a basketball. Any other big Blackberry losers might want to check out coveroo.com. Here is the case I will have in a few days.